Is there a target audience that would enjoy reading the opinions of
someone much, much less informed than them on the Superbowl? Probably
the same genre of people who voted for Obama and like to watch Fox
News “for the lulz” (hot tip: you may have turned it on to laugh but
instead you will find yourself brokenhearted and angry).
I know a little about football, mostly from when I was working on a
reality show and the contestants played touch football against each
other. The director yelled “someone cover the —–line” (memory of
terms is hazy) and then said “haven’t you ever watched football
before?” as a general question to myself and the other camera
operators. Of course, I have not. I am a woman, raised by a single
mom, in Canada. When other children were watching football I was
talking about feelings while getting free dental care from the
government.
When I moved to Los Angeles at 17, I enrolled in a school with a
football team that people were heavily emotionally invested in. The
closest I came to attending a game was an overnight sailing class
field trip with three USC football players. I’ll never forget the
visual of three big, beached whales, spread-eagled on the bow of the
boat, moaning like sad ghosts. Seasickness–apparently their achilles
heel (until they get older and graduate to violence against
girlfriends/wives/dogs).
*Michael Vick: Football Player who loves dogs.
I’m not completely ignorant. I know there’s two teams, one team has
the ball, a dude in the back throws it to another dude further toward
the other team’s end and that guy has to run and avoid being tackled.
There’s some dudes who try and block other dudes from tackling him,
and I think he can throw the ball to other fellas. When he gets
tackled they note how far he got and then they do it again, but
starting from that spot, kind of like red light, green light, a game I
understand the intricacies of far better. The goal is to get the ball
all the way to the end of the other team’s side, which is a touchdown.
That’s the best part because the bro dances a little, or sometimes, a
lot. At some point, a dude gets a chance to kick the ball through the
big wishbone at the end of the other team’s field and if it goes
through he gets a point, or probably more. This is called a free kick,
maybe you get it when there’s a penalty.
Some other elements of a football game that I’ve learned this season:
-They like to cut to shots of the coaches yelling. Coaches look like
if Yosemite Sam were drawn by R. Crumb, but with white hair.
-The cheerleaders aren’t as salacious or heavily-featured as my
pop-culture knowledge led me to believe they would be.
-I wish regular newscasters were as detailed and well-informed as the
commentators on football.
-They always use that one “A” (cross) filter on the cameras to make
all the stadium lights look like the star from when Jesus was born.
Star of David? Star of Bethlehem? Betelgeuse?
Here’s my expectations/worries/predictions for the Superbowl:
-I am rooting for the Saints because they are the only team I know of
that’s playing. And hey, Katrina sucked. This may change if everyone
at the party is rooting for the other team.
-I hope there are vegetarian snack options and non-alcoholic beverages.
-I am excited for the commercials, but not excited for the halftime
show. I don’t know who it is, but I’m guessing it’s one of the biggest
bands of all time, who I have no knowledge of beyond their name.
-I resolve to try and ask questions and enjoy the game. If that fails,
I resolve to jump on the host and hostess’s trampoline outside…
respectfully.
Well, happy Superbowl Sunday everyone, and if I learn anything I’ll
report back later with a post-game wrap up.
Tags: cake, CANADA, canada healthcare, cute kitten, football, go saints, halftime show, i am clueless about football, lol cats, manners, michael vick, michael vick loves dogs, party, reality tv, sarah hamblin, superbowl, superbowl commercials, superbowl party, superbowl wife beating, trampoline
